Essay originally written in September 2018
I had a nice conversation with one of my friends the other day while at work. We were setting up tables, chairs, and games for her program. While waiting for participants to arrive, I asked for her opinion on a heavy topic on my mind. My best friend, who for this story we shall call Catherine, was sick with something, and while I tried to be positive for her, I was starting to think the negative. She was already thinking the negative, and while I was beginning to lean the same way, I didn’t think it was right to scare her. I just focused on being a sense of support for her. However, I also felt like I was lying to her. I had explained to my friend, we’ll call her Sarah, how conflicted I felt. Sarah shared with me that during her recent medical situation she was worrying about it being serious. She said when someone close to her tried to be supportive by being positive, she felt like her worries weren’t validated. I’ve heard the phrase “misery loves company”, but never really paid much attention to it. I just think of it as one of those phrases or idioms you hear growing up and sometimes use yourself. In fact, I’ve said it to Sarah, right before I’d unload about my recent depressive episode. It is normally followed by, “What I’m about to say is a lot so I’ll understand if it ever gets to be too much. Just let me know. I don’t want to bring you down with me.” I always thought it had a negative connotation to it – why bring pull down someone else when you aren’t doing too well yourself? This is part of the reason why I tend to keep my depression, my troubles, and my problems to myself. I don’t want to burden someone else with the heaviness or the darkness that I’m feeling. Though, keeping things bottle up too long causes it to manifest inside and I can either lash out at others, or just fall deeper and deeper and let My Shadow take over my body. Through my journey with depression and anxiety, I haven’t shared much with too many people. In fact, the only person who knows 100% of everything that has been going on with my depression and anxiety, from the beginning to now, is my therapist. My family only know roughly 45-50%, Catherine about 85%, and Sarah about 90%. I’m careful with what I share based on how people will react, or really, how I’m worried they’ll react. I also hope for acceptance. “Misery loves company”, and it should because it helps you feel heard, it helps you feel like someone understands the way you feel. When I express my concerns or everything I have going on, I get support, but in a way that makes me feel less than. “Don’t worry about all that, you can do it.” “Look at all of your success, don’t dwell on the negative.” “You’re just overthinking things. You’ll be fine.” I long to hear someone say, “I get it.”, or “I understand what you’re going through.”, or “I’ve been there before.” I remind myself that I’m human and I have these feelings for a reason, even if they don’t make sense to someone else. It’s like when a child falls and scrapes their knee, they wail and cry for their mother, who responds “Calm down, you’re not dying”. To the mother, it’s nothing, but to the kid it’s something big – they’re hurt. Think of that scrape as someone’s depression or anxiety or other form of mental illness. This is how I sometimes feel, depending on who I talk to. Of course, not a lot of people know about my diagnosis, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. Mental Illness still have a stigma attached to it because people think that you can just flip a switch and be happy again. Like it’s a choice. Or, if we fix the one thing that is bothering us, then everything will go back to normal. If only it were that simple. My depression and anxiety, I believe, are situational based. I even switched job locations because one wasn’t working out for me. While things have gotten better, I am still affected by it. It can creep up at any given moment. I believe, if we’re given the room and the opportunity to be open without worrying about a reaction, the stigma around mental illnesses will disappear. Of course, this change will take some time. If you can find that one person who listens, cares for you, and respects you and your thoughts, then you’ve taken a step in the right direction. Just acknowledge another person’s pain. You may not fully understand it, but you can recognize that it’s there. It may be the push they need to feel support and find more motivation toward recovery.
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Essay was originally written in May 2018
Creating a support system can be very a very difficult thing to do. When it comes to my friends and family, I’m a very giving person so when someone needs help I’ll aid or listen to what they must say. However, I can be helpful to a fault and have been taken advantage of and burned so many times that when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety I kept it to myself. One on hand, I was kind of ashamed to be suffering from a mental illness because of how the media reacts to and reports on people who deal with the various types. I kept things to myself but soon found that it would affect my work and how I interacted with people close to me. Slowly, but surely, I began opening to the people I trusted the most and began to create my support system. A support system can be as big or as small as you’d like for it to be. My support system consists of my parents, my sisters, my best friend, a family friend, my guy friend, and my friend/co-worker. Everyone else in my life I will either find out on a need to know basis, or not at all. The people I have in my support system I mainly chose because I wasn’t worried about them thinking differently of me. They still see me as me, but sometimes I’m just off. Below are people/relationships I suggest would be the best places to start when creating a support system:
If you’ve noticed with this list, half the people I mentioned as means of support are close to your age and the other half are generally people who could be a couple to a few years older. Having a mix of different aged people helps because you can get varying degrees of opinions on your situation. In my situation, I have found myself leaning more towards my coworker (who is also a friend) and a family friend whenever I need support with my depression and anxiety. It’s because they are older than me, so in turn they have more life experience to offer advice or guidance. When I need someone to make me laugh or just act normal around, then I’ll look towards my sisters or my best friend. Of course, I’m not saying everyone is stuck in their roles. I also look towards my coworker to get me to laugh or be in a better mood. She’s funny and good company. Then, last but certainly not least
Mental Health Personal Essay # 2: "Having depression and being high-functioning scares me sometimes"1/26/2022 Essay originally written in May 2018
Having depression and being high-functioning scares me sometimes. Not because I can get things done while still feeling depression and anxious (not to brag), and not because I have a list of successes (again, not to brag). It scares me because, no one seems to notice when I’m struggling. So, will anyone notice if I ever really fade? I give nicknames for my depression, anxiety, and symptoms. So, it can be a codeword, so no one knows what I’m talking about and to make everything more real and easier to tackle. I call my depression “My Shadow” because it makes me feel like less of me, like a shell. When I can feel my depression taking hold and I start to sink into it, I use the term fade and its various forms liked faded, fading, and fades. I’m an introvert but when it comes to my friends I’m an extrovert. I’m sure you all know the cliched phrase “treat others how you’d like to be treated”. I take that seriously through my life whether you’re a stranger or a friend. When it comes to my friends though, it was something I really focused on. I moved to the area I live in now in 2014. I didn’t know anyone (except for my sisters whom I lived with) so I really had to try to make friends here. I thought if I wanted a friend with certain qualities, then I’d have to spread the same qualities to those I interreacted with, and it worked! Essay originaly written in April 2018.
After graduating college with my B.A in Spring 2014, everything was working out for me. I obtained a grant research/writer internship at a private school, which included a stipend and a place to stay. When that ended, I moved in with two of my sisters while they attended graduate school to get their Master’s degree. Soon after, I obtained a part-time job within two weeks, I became certified TEFL instructor, I picked up a second part-time job at a library, and began to volunteer at a botanical garden. I had all my ducks in a row: I was employed, I could pay my bills including student loans, I made new friends, I had a great relationship with my family, and I was dating on and off. I was successful. So, what did I have to be sad about? On the outside, or on a piece of paper, my achievements seemed like I was sitting on top of the world. That was what I was allowing people to see. I was being followed by my Shadow everywhere I went. And in this case, my Shadow was undiagnosed depression, just waiting to steal my happiness and turn me into a shell. I was taught that if you are a good person and a hard worker you’ll reap the benefits. I loved school and did very well, I got jobs on my own accord, and I had a lot of hobbies. I was a part of a handful of clubs and extracurricular activities, a great friend group, and was a good athlete. As level headed and realistic as I was about the “real world”, I was vastly unprepared. I painted a picture of my ideal version of success and went after it full throttle. I have been asking myself the same question after I finished my master’s degree a month early: now what? I have always been the type of person who has plans in life, and if those plans don’t work out, I would have a backup plan prepared. This is not to say I cannot be spontaneous or that I’m thinking things will go wrong. It is more of a way to prepare myself and to think ahead. It has worked out numerous times at my library job where I have been able to fix a problem before the problem even arises. Now, I really do not have an answer, and it is a horrible feeling. |
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"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you." - Walt Whitman Archives
January 2022
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