Mental Health Personal Essay # 2: "Having depression and being high-functioning scares me sometimes"1/26/2022 Essay originally written in May 2018 Having depression and being high-functioning scares me sometimes. Not because I can get things done while still feeling depression and anxious (not to brag), and not because I have a list of successes (again, not to brag). It scares me because, no one seems to notice when I’m struggling. So, will anyone notice if I ever really fade? I give nicknames for my depression, anxiety, and symptoms. So, it can be a codeword, so no one knows what I’m talking about and to make everything more real and easier to tackle. I call my depression “My Shadow” because it makes me feel like less of me, like a shell. When I can feel my depression taking hold and I start to sink into it, I use the term fade and its various forms liked faded, fading, and fades. I’m an introvert but when it comes to my friends I’m an extrovert. I’m sure you all know the cliched phrase “treat others how you’d like to be treated”. I take that seriously through my life whether you’re a stranger or a friend. When it comes to my friends though, it was something I really focused on. I moved to the area I live in now in 2014. I didn’t know anyone (except for my sisters whom I lived with) so I really had to try to make friends here. I thought if I wanted a friend with certain qualities, then I’d have to spread the same qualities to those I interreacted with, and it worked! I have a nice small group of friends, mainly through work, but I’m not complaining. They’re great. I have nothing against the friends I have (or in some cases had) throughout lower school, middle school, high school, and college. It just that when you’re thrown into a new situation, or city, and you aren’t forced into situations where you see the same people every day it makes the friendships feel much more real because you put in the effort.
Only a few people know I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I chose to only let a few people know. When I was first diagnosed I had asked a few people if they could perform the small task of asking me how I’m doing or offering a hug when it looks like I’m having a tough time. This way I won’t feel forced into talking about things I don’t necessarily want to now, and I know they validate what I’m going through and will aid. However, this can also be a problem. Because I’m high-functioning some of those close to me don’t notice that I’m struggling until it’s obvious. I do this on purpose, occasionally, because I don’t want to burden others with my problems. In the past few months a few of my friends have had medical situations, a family member of theirs has medical situations, they have relationship problems, they have their own mental health problems, etc. With anyone I care about I would offer a chance to vent, offer my assistance if they needed help with anything, and I would think about them and occasionally pray for them. I would even check up on them from time to time through texts or messages. Throughout all of this, I have been fading on and off but with focusing so much on my friends and them focusing on themselves, I don’t think anyone has noticed. I’m by no means blaming my friends for focusing on themselves during their hard times – in fact they should focus on themselves. I even feel selfish sometimes when I wish for one of them to take notice to my struggling like they did before. I just keep telling myself they’re physically going through something difficult while I’m just struggling emotionally to help them – it’s not as important. But I shouldn’t feel selfish because I can feel how I feel – I was given emotions for a reason. Having depression and being high-functioning scares me. I wonder how much I’d have to suffer before someone notices. I talk to a therapist and I practice self-care a lot, and when I gain the courage to ask for help I do. But that’s just it – sometimes I don’t think my problems are big enough to ask for help until they’re too big and I don’t want to bring someone else down when they’re happy with my problems. Having depression and being high-functioning scares me because I hear about suicide on the news and many people say, “I didn’t know they were struggling.” They didn’t know because the person didn’t want them to know. They also didn’t know they were able to share their feelings because people think they’re fine with having good grades, being a part of extracurriculars, and having lots of hobbies. People tend to focus on those whose depression is visible: the ones with behavior issues, the slipping grades, the lethargy, the ones who communicate their dark thoughts – the ones quickly fading. I wonder why no one asks me how I’m doing when I’m happy, or when I appear happy. It’s like they must wait to see if someone’s wrong to ask if something is wrong when it’s obvious there is. I ask friends if they want to go to the movies, or go shopping, or to an amusement park, out to dinner, or if they want to talk. I want to make sure they know I’m there for them, that I’ll listen, and that they are heard. Plus, I just greatly enjoy my time around them. I wouldn’t have handpicked them and kept them around if I didn’t genuinely like them. If I didn’t ask them to hang out or check in on them from time to time I’d still have friends, I would just never see them. I can probably count on one hand how many times I’ve gone out somewhere with friends when I didn’t initiate or propose the activity. Having depression and being high-functioning scares me sometimes. No, I’m not an attention seeker by fighting towards recovery, but sometimes I do want attention. Just healthy, normal, attention where I feel as loved and wanted like I give to my friends. I don’t do it for reciprocation – in fact, I feel like being a friend is my calling in life. Being a friend and helping others makes me happy, but it can also cause me to fade as well. Having depression and being high-functioning scares me sometimes.
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"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you." - Walt Whitman Archives
January 2022
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