Essay originally written in September 2018
I had a nice conversation with one of my friends the other day while at work. We were setting up tables, chairs, and games for her program. While waiting for participants to arrive, I asked for her opinion on a heavy topic on my mind. My best friend, who for this story we shall call Catherine, was sick with something, and while I tried to be positive for her, I was starting to think the negative. She was already thinking the negative, and while I was beginning to lean the same way, I didn’t think it was right to scare her. I just focused on being a sense of support for her. However, I also felt like I was lying to her. I had explained to my friend, we’ll call her Sarah, how conflicted I felt. Sarah shared with me that during her recent medical situation she was worrying about it being serious. She said when someone close to her tried to be supportive by being positive, she felt like her worries weren’t validated. I’ve heard the phrase “misery loves company”, but never really paid much attention to it. I just think of it as one of those phrases or idioms you hear growing up and sometimes use yourself. In fact, I’ve said it to Sarah, right before I’d unload about my recent depressive episode. It is normally followed by, “What I’m about to say is a lot so I’ll understand if it ever gets to be too much. Just let me know. I don’t want to bring you down with me.” I always thought it had a negative connotation to it – why bring pull down someone else when you aren’t doing too well yourself? This is part of the reason why I tend to keep my depression, my troubles, and my problems to myself. I don’t want to burden someone else with the heaviness or the darkness that I’m feeling. Though, keeping things bottle up too long causes it to manifest inside and I can either lash out at others, or just fall deeper and deeper and let My Shadow take over my body. Through my journey with depression and anxiety, I haven’t shared much with too many people. In fact, the only person who knows 100% of everything that has been going on with my depression and anxiety, from the beginning to now, is my therapist. My family only know roughly 45-50%, Catherine about 85%, and Sarah about 90%. I’m careful with what I share based on how people will react, or really, how I’m worried they’ll react. I also hope for acceptance. “Misery loves company”, and it should because it helps you feel heard, it helps you feel like someone understands the way you feel. When I express my concerns or everything I have going on, I get support, but in a way that makes me feel less than. “Don’t worry about all that, you can do it.” “Look at all of your success, don’t dwell on the negative.” “You’re just overthinking things. You’ll be fine.” I long to hear someone say, “I get it.”, or “I understand what you’re going through.”, or “I’ve been there before.” I remind myself that I’m human and I have these feelings for a reason, even if they don’t make sense to someone else. It’s like when a child falls and scrapes their knee, they wail and cry for their mother, who responds “Calm down, you’re not dying”. To the mother, it’s nothing, but to the kid it’s something big – they’re hurt. Think of that scrape as someone’s depression or anxiety or other form of mental illness. This is how I sometimes feel, depending on who I talk to. Of course, not a lot of people know about my diagnosis, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. Mental Illness still have a stigma attached to it because people think that you can just flip a switch and be happy again. Like it’s a choice. Or, if we fix the one thing that is bothering us, then everything will go back to normal. If only it were that simple. My depression and anxiety, I believe, are situational based. I even switched job locations because one wasn’t working out for me. While things have gotten better, I am still affected by it. It can creep up at any given moment. I believe, if we’re given the room and the opportunity to be open without worrying about a reaction, the stigma around mental illnesses will disappear. Of course, this change will take some time. If you can find that one person who listens, cares for you, and respects you and your thoughts, then you’ve taken a step in the right direction. Just acknowledge another person’s pain. You may not fully understand it, but you can recognize that it’s there. It may be the push they need to feel support and find more motivation toward recovery.
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
Author
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you." - Walt Whitman Archives
January 2022
Categories
All
|